a holy terror

by underswansea

During my late teens and into my twenties and thirties I suffered from Night Terrors. Fortunately, they have diminished as I have aged (like everything else, unfortunately).

It is difficult to describe a Night Terror. Think of going from sound asleep to full on adrenaline fueled fury in seconds in the middle of the night while the one you love is peacefully asleep beside you.

I used to think an intruder was in the house or that a shotgun was being pointed at us. I would come out of the bed at a hundred miles an hour, my heart racing, ready to do battle. Sometimes I would wake up outside with scraped knees.

Strangely, I would calm down quickly and go back to sleep with only a feint recognition of the events in the morning. Most of the time I never really woke up.

I rarely get them anymore. And if I do they are not nearly as intense/insane.

The other night I had one.

That evening, I noticed a few Box Elder bugs inside. At this time of the year they get on the sunny side of the house. They are harmless and I vacuumed them up.

When I went to bed my last thought was, ‘I hope I got all those Box Elder bugs’.

During the night, while I was asleep, the Box Elder bugs turned into Wasps. They were under the covers with me. I could lie perfectly still and hope for the best or I could get the fuck out of there!

I awoke standing in the middle of the room. My underwear was around my ankles. My balls were being lifted with my left hand. With my right, I was shooing away imaginary wasps, which had decided to nest, inexplicably, under my wrinkled scrotum. Go figure.

The last thing you want is a wasp nest on the underside of your sack. It would only be a matter of time before one of the stinging-sons-a-bitches would try climbing up your asshole.

Unlike when I was younger, but like every bad story, I realized it was all a dream. I let go of my balls and pulled up my shorts and got back into bed.

I fell back asleep quickly, thinking how heavy my balls felt while I was holding them. I even laughed to myself.  Maybe not everything is diminishing.